Fuck. That feels like an accurate way to begin an expression which covers the breadth of what needs to be said.
I kept a blog on this website now for over 10 years. I’ve tried to regularly keep a record of my process as an artist. Many of those ideas have matured into artifacts and experiences that were produced in that process and can be found in this journal, the most recent and personally inspiring you will find in the portfolio on this website. If you care to look, you will also find many failures. Dreams, beliefs, and understandings which through trial and error found their resolution in truth. It is only through acknowledging our failures that we can learn from them. When we can learn from each others, we will truly make progress.
As an artist I feel compelled into conscious exploration of the conscience. What is truth? Does it exist objectively? Patterns and mathematics seem to answer, yes. Yet quantum physics and subjective experience argue otherwise, that we simply experience the ALL through a particular lens looking back upon itself. We as that lens through continual polishing can recognize the paradox as divine, duality and singularity coexisting from different angles.
A year ago I experienced something which moved me in a way I could hardly describe. It lead me to seek a deeper definition of identity. I completely abandoned the person I had spent 30 years creating in an effort to become a clearer channel for the divine energy which animates all life. What is a name? Merely a placeholder for a relational-thought-pattern? An incantation? It was an eye opening time for me, as most people’s concept of who a person is, is largely determined by the relational-thought-pattern and any interruption of that pattern is typically met with confusion and discomfort. This was entirely the point as I would eventually come to realize, that Universal energy works through chaos and challenge in order to stimulate and encourage evolution within us.
Looking back now I can honestly say I feel more peaceful. I feel a much deeper understanding of who I am, and why I am here as a catalyst for change. By challenging the very basis of my own existence and identity, I made a lot of people very uncomfortable because it made them question their own. It is this moment of discomfort when we have the option to go more deeply into what comes up so that we may better understand and release it, or to deny it.
It’s said, this is a time of incredible evolution. I think that technologically there’s absolutely no doubt that progress is moving quickly. I would like to think this same level of growth and understand is happening culturally, and that we are waking up from a era of psychological manipulation by an undefined and every-present “them”.
It came as a surprise to me when with innocent transparency the truths I had discovered and which resonated profoundly for me were met with utter confusion, denial, and ignorance. There were no doubt many people who themselves having explored the depth of their experience found truth and appreciation for my expression. Most however, did not.
The experience was an incredible success in finding out who was ready, who has done the hard work of finding their own truth. It was a success at finding the people who were interested and ready to dig deeper for theirs. It was however, a failure for my freelance art and design businesses.
As a freelance artist I rely on many different skills and clients to acquire the resources I need in order to cover life expenses, and to continually invest in education and supplies. Alienating more than half of my client base had far reaching effects on my income. Fortunately the clarity and ability to stay present through uncomfortable experiences has helped to keep the lights on.
So after a year, I’m back. I have reintegrated the persistent manifestation of self that you know as Nate in order to get back to business. Yet there’s something about busy-ness that still doesn’t sit right with me. At this point its clear to me that society demands we all must play pretend in order to get what we need. The truth is contagious and as soon as we realize what we’re doing collectively, through our unconscious behaviors and beliefs then we have to face the discomfort. There is no return to ignorance once you know the truth. This is a heavy burden most people are not willing to bear.
I was told once, “Fake it till you make it”. I didn’t know how much that expression really meant. Beneath the surface of “reality” we can all know our truth. Bullshitting each other is just so much more fashionable and fun. I’ll try and remember that next time.